Before you keep reading
We’re using the term “new normal” to describe your new day-to-day routines that may be a lot different after your brain injury. We’re using it because this is what a lot of health care workers, caregivers, and other people with brain injury use. This might not be the word you want to use, because brain injury recovery is full of ups and downs and nothing feels normal. That’s 100% understandable. You can use the information we’re sharing here without having to call it “new normal”.
Something you have probably realized is that things may never fully go back to the way they were before your brain injury. That’s a hard truth to face, especially if you’ve experienced significant changes to your abilities and your routines.
When we talk about normal here, we’re talking about a baseline for your daily living and activities that you understand and expect. For example, a normal Monday might be:
- Wake up
- Have breakfast
- Catch the bus to school
- School
- After-school activity
- Home
- Dinner
- Homework
- Television
- Brush teeth
- Bed
And this is something that during the school year happens every Monday – it’s regular and normal for you.
After brain injury, you may not be able to have the same routines, engage in activities the same way, or even feel the same. As you move through recovery, you’ll begin to develop a ‘new normal’: something that’s different from what you’re used to, but becomes familiar.
This process won’t be comfortable at first, and it might take you a long time to find something that resembles normal for you. And that’s okay – it’s normal to not feel normal.
The process of finding a new sense of normalcy will depend on you, the people around you, and your environment. You will also have to work towards accepting your new normal and recognize that it will probably change a few times as you find what routines work best for you.
Let’s talk about:
What can affect my sense of what’s normal?
There are some things that might affect what a new normal looks like for you, including:
- The location and severity of your injury
- Your rehabilitation. The types of rehabilitation activities you do and what you do outside of your appointments can impact your daily living
- Your habits from before and after your injury. Habits – good or bad – are building blocks of how each day goes. Habits that you carry forward into your recovery or that you pick up after your injury will shape your day-to-day routines
It really depends on you and your specific experiences – but chances are you’re going to have a lot of feelings about these changes. Having a sense of normalcy can be very soothing, and a brain injury can temporarily take that away. You may feel:
- Angry
- Shocked
- Confused
- Sad
- Frustrated
- Grief
- Helpless
But as you move through recovery and find a new normal, you may feel:
- Hopeful
- Peaceful
- Contentment
Finding a new normal doesn’t happen right away, so you might also still feel some negative emotions like frustration, confusion, and sadness. Your new normal might also change a few times – and that’s okay.
How are others impacted by the new normal?
Your brain injury and your new normal is also going to affect parents/guardians, siblings, other family members, and friends. Although they aren’t coping with the exact same thing as you, you will probably notice that their sense of normal has changed as well.
Why do I need to know this?
There are people in your life who have been (and probably still are) a part of your everyday life. And you’re a part of theirs. Brain injury can make that feel complicated because so much as changed, and it can be confusing for both you and your loved ones. If you understand that the people in your life might be feeling the same things as you, it makes it easier for you all to talk to each other and see each other’s perspectives.
So, what are some of the ways you and other people can react to and be impacted by your new normal?
Frustration goes hand-in-hand with other feelings like guilt, hope, and helplessness. Friends and family may experience frustration with themselves, with the situation, or even with you. It’s important to remember not to take this frustration personally; they are doing their best to be patient and adapt, but nobody’s perfect. You may also feel frustration with your loved ones for the same reasons.
If either you or a friend/family member are experiencing frustration, take a few deep breaths and try to share why. Talking about and understanding the cause of frustration is a great step towards moving past it.
A brain injury is life-altering, and it’s normal for both you and your friends/family to experience grief surrounding the changes in your abilities and your identity.
- How grief and brain injury can be connected
A family member or a friend will most likely feel a lot of guilt connected to your brain injury. It’s a stressful and sometimes confusing emotion that goes hand in hand with frustration and helplessness. They may feel guilty if they get frustrated with you, or feel like they don’t spend enough time with you. They might even feel guilt about the injury happening to you and not them.
You might feel guilt related to your own frustration, or perhaps guilt over not being able to do things the way you used to. Grappling with guilt is complicated and it might be helpful for you (and maybe others) to talk to a professional therapist.
Helplessness is something that a lot of people feel in the early stages of recovery. Your normal has changed, and you may not have the ability to help or do things anymore. You might rely on others more.
Family and friends often want to help, but don’t know how. This leads to them feeling helpless. Those feelings of helplessness can become hopelessness quickly. After a brain injury, chances are you will need some help – so let your friends and family members know what you need. Not only will you be supported, but you’ll show friends and family how best to support you.
As you move through recovery, it’s important to focus on the positives. You and your friends and family members will feel hopeful when there’s progress. While celebrating progress is fantastic and well-deserved, it’s important that you all understand that things may not go back to the way they were before the injury. Instead of comparing the then and now, focus on how you’re doing in the moment.
After a brain injury, you may notice that friends or distant family you saw often at the beginning of your recovery don’t visit as much as time goes on. Some may disappear entirely. This can be due to the changes in your relationship with them, coping challenges, lack of understanding of brain injury, and even stigma. Sometimes people stay away because they don’t know what to say or how they “should” interact with you, even though they would like to connect with you. And you may be feeling the same, and want to withdraw from those closest to you.
While this is hard to face, it’s important to be patient with yourself and your social network and communicate how you are feeling. Talk to them about the changes in your relationship and what you need from them. In turn, listen to what they need and be patient: they’re also coping with changes.
You may also avoid people you know because you are tired of answering the “how are you?” question. You may put off seeing people until you are “better.” Or you may not feel like being around others, even if you can recognize that time with family and friends may be good for you. Losing interest in socializing may be a sign of depression. If you’re struggling to feel connected or notice that you don’t want to spend time with people, do your best to tell someone you’re feeling this way.
Brain injury is unexpected for everyone, including family members. You all may experience a period of shock after the injury, particularly with all the changes. But shock is temporary: it will vary for different people, but it will go away. Make sure to talk with your family about what’s happening. It’s good for all of you to be open and communicate about brain injury.
The new normal will not happen right away
Recovery happens in stages, which means that you won’t really have the opportunity to find a new normal right away.
In the beginning, you’re going to be getting a lot of attention from your health care team, your family, and probably your friends. You may feel like you’re getting too much attention, especially if you’re someone who needs alone time to recharge your social battery. But eventually, you won’t have as many tests or appointments. You may also find that outside of your parents and/or siblings, you don’t have as many visits either. Many people go through this and feel stuck in place or more physically and socially isolated. This may change several times – again, recovery is a long process, and finding a balance requires patience and communication with others about what you need.
If you’re having some trouble coping with recovery and the changes you’re experiencing, you may want to consider finding support groups or a therapist. Support groups and local brain injury associations are an incredible resource. Other people who have gone through similar experiences can share what they’ve learned and offer advice. You can also talk to professionals – like therapists.
The important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to move through recovery and establish new routines. Everything you’re feeling is valid and your focus should be on doing what works for and is safe for you.
Tips for exploring the new normal
Your new normal isn’t set in stone right away – like we mentioned above, it will probably change a few times. The following are some tips to help you with the process. After a brain injury, you may notice that friends or distant family you saw often at the beginning of your recovery don’t visit as much as time goes on. Some may disappear entirely. This can be due to the changes in your relationship with them, coping challenges, lack of understanding of brain injury, and even stigma. Sometimes people stay away because they don’t know what to say or how they “should” interact with you, even though they would like to connect with you. While this is hard to face, it’s important to be patient with your social network and communicate how you are feeling to them. Talk to them about the changes in your relationship and what you need from them. In turn, listen to what they need and be patient: they’re also coping with changes.
You may also avoid people you know because you are tired of answering the “how are you?” question. You may put off seeing people until you are “better.” Or you may not feel like being around others, even if you can recognize that time with family and friends may be good for you. Losing interest in socializing may be a sign of depression. If you’re struggling to feel connected or notice that you don’t want to spend time with people, do your best to tell someone you’re feeling this way.
Positive reinforcement from others is helpful – everyone needs encouragement, especially during recovery. You can also give yourself positive reinforcement by writing down encouraging statements or recording the positive parts of your day on an audio device (like a smartphone).
You might also find positive affirmations helpful. These are kind things you say to yourself to support your confidence and sense of self. They can be anything that makes you feel good, such as:
- “I am more than enough”
- “I am strong and capable”
- “I am [list 5 things about yourself]”
- “I love my [list 5 things you love about yourself]”
If you need more ideas, search the Internet for positive affirmations.
Therapy is an excellent way to explore your feelings and your self-identity after a brain injury. A psychologist or psychiatrist will help you work through what you’re feeling, focus on positive progress, and adjust to your new normal.
It’s best to talk to someone on your health care team for a recommendation or do some of your own research.
To get you started, you can check out Kid’s Help Phone or the Government of Canada’s website.
Finding a new normal doesn’t happen overnight: you’re going to have a lot of ups and downs. Reflect on who you are now, rather than always comparing yourself to your past. It’s difficult, but being patient with yourself is one of the most important things you can do for your mental/emotional well-being.
It’s also important to be patient with others, especially parents/guardians and siblings as they get to know who you are now. Everyone is adjusting to changes in relationships and responsibilities. It’s normal to feel frustrated with others – you’re going through a lot. But try to remember they want to help you and need your love and respect as well.
It’s important to recognize your accomplishments, even the smaller ones: they are worth recognizing. For example, did you remember something without looking at your notes? Did you finish your homework in the time you wanted to? Did you meet a goal? That’s amazing – enjoy that win!
While you shouldn’t compare where you are now to where you were before the injury, it’s okay to take comfort in what is still familiar to you. It’s reassuring and helpful when building your new normal because it gives you a foundation that you recognize. For example, do you still have all your clothes in the same place? Is your favourite TV show still something you get to watch in the evening? Do you still have family dinners every Friday night? These can all be little things that feel warm and comforting.
Part of living in the new normal is trying new things and learning what works for you and what doesn’t. This can be done through rehabilitation or simply getting out there through community events, school clubs, social groups, or trying new hobbies. Recovery does not mean getting back to your old life as soon as possible – it means doing your best and being open to changes and new experiences.
Do you have some suggestions or want to share your experience?
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Disclaimer: There is no shortage of web-based online medical diagnostic tools, self-help or support groups, or sites that make unsubstantiated claims around diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Please note these sources may not be evidence-based, regulated or moderated properly and it is encouraged individuals seek advice and recommendations regarding diagnosis, treatment and symptom management from a regulated healthcare professional such as a physician or nurse practitioner. Individuals should be cautioned about sites that make any of the following statements or claims that:
- The product or service promises a quick fix
- Sound too good to be true
- Are dramatic or sweeping and are not supported by reputable medical and scientific organizations.
- Use of terminology such as “research is currently underway” or “preliminary research results” which indicate there is no current research.
- The results or recommendations of product or treatment are based on a single or small number of case studies and has not been peer-reviewed by external experts
- Use of testimonials from celebrities or previous clients/patients that are anecdotal and not evidence-based
Always proceed with caution and with the advice of your medical team.
